Love Notes - Part 2

Stacey --- below is the only way I can get your husband to communicate with me.

Hello John…

1. How are you?

A. “Good, thanks.”

B. “Not bad, but my trick knee is acting up.”

2. What do you think of the Hawks’ chances this weekend?

A. “Don’t know what to make of this game.”

B.  “A sure victory!”

3. Are you enjoying this weather?

A. “Yes.”

B. “No”

2 minutes later...

Hi Stace.

Have you gotten any email today?  I was wondering if our mail server was working.  I haven't received any.

sloppy joes for dinner?

John

23 seconds after that...

SEE STACEY!!! DO YOU SEE WHY I’M IN THERAPY!?!?!?!

Oh wait, I’m not in therapy --- because my therapist abandoned me!!!!!

Your husband hates Jews, likes North Korea, and loves TORMENTING ME!!!!

You know what I’m gonna do to get him back, Stacey?!?  I’m gonna become Facebook friends with Ronnie Rice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I’m going officially off the grid!!!!!! (again)

Dear Doug,

I have no idea what either of you are talking about.  Sloppy Joes sounds good for dinner.  Tater tots?

Yours in mental health,

Stacey

How Many Bases Do You Get For A Touchdown?

Dear Dr. Sidney Friedman…

Since your husband never emails me, I will no longer email him directly. Instead, I will have to communicate through you.

Please ask your husband if he’s worried that KU’s second-string QB is no injured.

Sincerely,

Doug

Dear Doug,

I would pass your information on, but I told my husband that football season was postponed for 2 months.  This is for my own good so please keep it on the down-low.

Yours in mental health,

Stacey

Love Notes

Dear Dr. Sidney Friedman…

Your husband routinely ignores my “hello” emails. I even sent him an email in which he can respond with just multiple-choice answers, yet I know he ignores them.

Do you have any suggestions on how to get him to respond to my emails?

Sincerely,

Doug

Dear Doug,

Tell him you're pregnant.

Yours in mental health,

Stacey

Seabiscuit

Dear Dr. Sidney Friedman,

Well, I have moved on from the dopey racist girl (thank god!) and I've had a few dates with another young lady. Her name is....well, let's use thoroughbred parlance here...let's call her horse #1.

(Incidentally, my desire to use thoroughbred parlance isn't a reflection of misogyny on my part, but rather the fact that I'm immature, insecure, and have been rejected so many times that I believe God looks at me like one of the characters played by Jerry Lewis in his dopey movies. That, and my mother didn't hug me enough. But that's another story).

Anyway, so recently, after a few dates, #1 and I had, well, intimate relations. So nothing serious, but we hit it off initially, I guess. Although she'll dump me soon, I'm sure.

Now, before I started dating #1, there was another thoroughbred casually in the picture. We'll call her 1A. In fact, 1A was the broad I went out with when I visited you and your no good, anti-Semitic husband. We've kept in touch. And two weeks ago – and before I slept with #1 – we agreed that 1A should come down here for a visit. The weekend of October 14. Which coincidentally is the weekend #1 is going to be out of town (I mean, REALLY coincidentally).

Anyway, when 1A is down here...well, I'm pretty sure we're not going to just walk around Best Buy together, if you get my drift. We'll probably be drinking and eating and....you know.

Question is: Am I in the wrong here? Should I tell either 1 or 1A that I'm casually dating? That someone's coming to visit? I mean, there's nothing serious going on with anyone yet. But I honestly don't no what protocol is.

By the way, they'll probably both cancel out on me BECAUSE I'M A LOUSY DYSFUNCTIONAL JEW, WHICH IS REINFORCED BY THE FACT THAT YOUR HUSBAND NEVER EMAILS ME HELLO!!!!! LAST NIGHT – WHEN I HAD NO PLANS – I HAD TO TAKE TWO CLONAZEPAM BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!!

Thank you for patiently answering my questions.

Sincerely,

Doug

PS. I texted both 1 and 1A about 30 minutes and an hour ago (respectively) and I haven't heard back. WHY ARE WOMEN SECRETLY CONSPIRING AGAINST ME WITH THEIR TRANSMITTERS!?!?!

Dear Doug,

This is like one of those really long word problems I used to avoid in math.  My answer is:  all of the above.

Yours in mental health,

Stacey

Online Dating

Dear Dr. Sidney Friedman,

Last night I had a third date with a Match broad. It started out well, but it ended, well, not well, I think. I have a feeling some red flags went up in her head. And they seem trivial to me. Am I crazy?

 Red flag #1 for her:

She seemed disturbed that I don’t like avocado, guacamole, or strawberries. Mind you, I’m good with everything else. But apparently this makes me a picky eater, and she likes people who like to try new things, blah blah blah.

 Red flag #2 for her:

She’s a North Dallas girl, but more liberal than she wants to admit, I think she’s wrestling with conservative family guilt, etc. So anyway, last night I played the Jew and money cards (Jew card = yeah, I’m on the other team, not that I make a big deal out of it; money card = I don’t make a ton, but I support myself, and I’m ambitious). Again, after I talked about this stuff, she seemed disturbed.   (BTW = I’ve learned you just might as well play the Jew and money cards with broads right away, because I’ve been rejected plenty of times for it)

 Red flag #3 for her:

She has an adorable doggie that I played with before we went out. But while we were out, I told her how much I like feeding my ex’s dog the occasional French fry, crackers, etc. She looked at me like I just said I beat the dog. Wtf? Like this is a deal-breaker?

 And finally, Red flag #1 for me:

 We were joking on date #2 about, ironically, red flags. And I said, “yeah, you haven’t scared me away, it’s not like you said you wouldn’t date a black guy or something.”

 Then, last night, she said during dinner, “Um, actually, regarding what we talked about last week….well, I wouldn’t date a black guy because it would kill my parents.”

 Huh? She won’t date black guys cuz it would upset her parents? Shouldn’t this be a big red flag for me? What kind of people are her parents? And what in the hell is wrong with black guys? I like black guys!

Will you please let me know what you think today? (Stacey, that is…John doesn’t care about me). Last night is driving me up a wall and I’m feeling like I’m to blame for things if they go south.

Sincerely,

DF

P.S. I’ve emailed John 3 times this week but he’s only emailed me once!

10 minutes later...

PPS: I dropped a lot of money on dinner last night.

11 minutes later...

I’m really embarrassed about my email this morning. Why I’d ever consider trying to date a broad that acted like that --- and has a problem dating black guys --- is beyond me.

I apologize to both of you. That’s a reflection on me as being a bad human being.

I’m going off the grid again to reflect and pay penance. I will not bother you guys for 6 months.

Dear Doug,

1.  If you make it to another date with this woman, take her for Rocky Mountain Oysters.  If she refuses, her comment regarding liking people who like to try new things is a ploy to be more metropolitan than she actually is.  Nothing says high cuisine like Rocky Mountain Oysters.

2.  Just give her your business card. The jew card should only be played during post-coital snuggling.

3.  She probably misheard you and thought you said that you like to eat dog with french fries or on a cracker.

4.  Make sure to change your Match.com filter to exclude racist bitches.

Yours in mental health,

Stacey